Lack of concentration on the mat equals...

I arrived at the studio frustrated, with my feelings hurt, and a tad bit upset because of a certain situation I had encountered prior to arriving at the studio.

When I sat down on the mat, I immediately started to cry.  I hate it when people I love make me cry.  It's as if I'm not worthy of any of their respect or consideration for my situation.  It's appears as if it's all about them.  So there I sat, crying and feeling like the fool that I am for crying.

Class started and for the next 75 mins I wobbled and weaved and shook, a very clear indication that I wasn't present on my mat.  My mind was clearly on my feelings and my body was going through the motions.

I really felt bad for Tammy because I wasn't responding to any of her facial cues, but it wasn't because of anything she had done, it was because I couldn't find the smile in me.  (I'm sorry Tammy!)

My mind is wore out as I have contemplated the situation all night.  My body is following my mind and is in pain.  I know all of this is my fault, as it always turns out to be, but I'm so tired....

I think a long yoga retreat might be helpful, I just can't afford them, as they are so expensive.  I try so hard not to do anything wrong, and when I do mess up, boy howdy, I do it with flying colors, sad smile.

My body did benefit from the yoga practice last night as I'm sore, but my mind is still reeling!

Peace, serenity, kindness, long-suffering, LOVE, all of these things seem way out of reach right now.

I did do an up the wall handstand BY MYSELF.  I pored all of my feelings into it and not only did I do it once, I did it twice, with good form.  I was proud of myself during that time.  I held the first one for 10 breathes, the second for less I'm sure because my wrist were starting to hurt.  (Amy would've been proud, I didn't have to have her feet!)

I love my yoga community.  They don't judge me, they don't ask questions when I cry, they only project their love and peace in my direction, which I most certainly can feel.

To sum all the rambling up, the lack of concentration on the mat equals a very ungrounded yoga practice.

Namaste!

Serenity Yoga

Last night's yoga class was very 'relaxing, calming, and yet motivating". Here lately, when I'm on the mat, I feel long, lean, and beautiful, then I walk to the car and realize, it's just the mat's effect on me.  Laugh.  There's nothing about me that is long, lean and beautiful.  I accept that, I'm just not one of those people.

I was fighting an aching neck, back and a headache, neither of which would go away until the very end, in savasana. I did feel my back give so the backache left almost immediately after the first few poses, but the rest, held on.

Finding my edge and holding on was very hard.  My concentration wasn't there. I was on the mat physically, but I wasn't present on the mat spiritually.

I woke up during the night with the right side of my neck just killing me.  I know it's nothing we did in yoga, as none of the poses were new to me, so I'm not sure what the deal was.  Spent the rest of the night on ice, and hurting.

I used my breathe to try and calm the muscles, and I suppose the breathing helped me fall back to sleep, but when I would wake up, the neck pain was still there.

I'm slowly learning that in order for this yoga journey to be productive, I have to be 'present' on the mat, not just going through the motions.  I can not heal physically, nor spiritually if I don't find that presence and keep it in the yoga practice with me!

Namaste!

Thursday night killer yoga...grin

The pose to the left is called Ardha Chandra Chapasana or Sugarcane pose.  Yes, I'm trying hard to learn the sankrit names/spellings of the yoga poses.  If I'm going to do delve headlong into this journey, I figure I must do it correctly, what ever that means, for me....

Last night was so challenging, sweaty, and so very FUN!  Yes you heard it from me, f-u-n.  We did a lot more asanas and they were all very challenging.  (My other new intention is to not use 'hard' when referring to yoga.  It's only 'hard' if I allow my brain to think it is, especially after Tammy's reading last night prior to practice.  And if you catch me in the right mood, nothing will ever be 'hard' again, just challenging.  And in meeting that challenge, I can say I accomplished that goal, next one....)

I was very mindful as to what I would write in today's blog.  I could've complained about all the soreness and what I couldn't do, but I decided no, not happening in todays yoga blog.

I wanted to remember last night, to remember that I did a half handstand up the wall, with Amy keeping her feet on my shoulders to keep me from falling.  I wanted to remember that I tried it a second time and had her to ease off the pressure on the shoulders and quickly had her reapply the pressure, I'll admit it, I got scared.  And that's ok, there'll be a next time, smile. (Show up to find out what I mean!)

I wanted to remember to remind myself that I need to start wearing long yoga pants because my hands, heck my whole body, sweats so badly that when I reach back to grab my foot in Ardha Chandra Chapasana, my hand slips off 'cause I'm so sweaty.

I wanted to remember that I must never do the elliptical the day before a yoga class 'cause my legs felt like a hot poker had been jabbed into my quads and I was in pain. Laugh!

When done correctly, yoga should leave the beginner sore.  If you're not sore, find another studio!  Your muscles should be contracting equally, all over your body.  I'm not necessarily a beginner, just haven't practiced steadily in a long time and now here I am again due to an injury.  And you know, I think it's my sign from God to STAY in yoga.  Yoga = minor/less/no injuries...my motto anyway.

I've only just begun this journey with real intentions (goals).  When I reach them, I'll tell you what they were, until then, keep reading and see you at the studio.

Namaste!

Full class

Last night's yoga class, for me, was shutting out the storm that was raging outside, and following my heart as I worked on the mat.

Anyone who knows me, knows I am terrified of bad weather.  And as the lightning and the thunder rolled outside, I worked very hard to allow it to do so without me panicking.  I believe I did fairly well, until Tammy would say, "look up to the ceiling and feel the rain falling on your face".  Naw, I didn't want no rain falling on my face, especially with the lightning falling along with it, laugh.  Nonetheless, the weather co-operated and didn't treat us too badly.

Again, challenging is a good word for last night.  We did tree poses, which I find very hard for some reason, and from there we became an airplane and nose dived into a split.  Well, I'm sure there were some who where doing splits, but not me.  I'm not sure when I lost my flexibility, but I have.

When I was young, I was able to do splits, backbends, front hand springs, cartwheels, backbend walk overs, hand stands, you name it, I could do it. Now at my age, I just can't find that flexibility.  But I go to class with the principles Tammy has taught me, and I've learned well - it's not about what your neighbor is doing, or how flexible your neighbor is, it's about my practice, how far I can go into a pose, how long I can stay there, and how confident it makes me each time I go a little further into a pose and stay a little longer in a pose.

As we transitioned into savasana, I found myself being thankful for all of God's mercy and grace.  Last night's weather could've really interrupted my concentration and I could've been terrified the entire time, just waiting for the lightning to strike, but it didn't.  God was merciful and showed me more grace than I deserved.  And then I thought, isn't that just like God?!  To show His children more mercy and grace than we ever deserve.  I realized that while we know He's with us during our small trails, why do we always wonder if He's with us during our super, dynawoping trails?

He's there, He carries us, and I am very thankful for Him and His never changing mercy and grace!

Namaste!

A week behind...

Ok, so I'm a week behind on blogging.  Would you like to know why?  No, well sorry, you get to read it anyway, unless of course you move along and don't read it, then so be it, smile.

The first week of January my brother was ill, nothing would stay down or in.  He finally emerged from his sickness on the 7th.  The following tuesday morning his wife woke him up sick.  Her visit to the doctor caused my brother to pack up Lily (my 9 month old niece) and bring her to the house, so we were officially on Lily duty - me, mom, dad, and tinkerbell.  Needless to say, I spent Wednesday-Friday at home with the baby or at the ER with Selena, my sister-in-law.  Then Thursday morning, my brother's step-daughter woke up vomiting.  He took her, that night, to the ER.  Friday night, they all seemed back to normal, so we let Lily go home.  Saturday morning at 4AM, my mother woke up with the same thing my brother had, are you kidding me?!  Lucky for us, her and thanks be to God (He was merciful!), she spent that day only fighting to keep things in and down.  Thankfully they shared all the meds the docs and ER had given them, so mom didn't have to make the dreaded trip to the ER. Thus far dad and I have only had a few rounds of keeping things in, but all seems back to normal.  We had no keeping things down issues, THANK GOD!

Needless to say, I only made it to yoga Tuesday of last week and it was an 'interesting' class to say the least.  We even named a new Tammy pose, the Jane Fonda Dolphin Pose, I think - 'cause that's just too long ago for me to remember, laugh.  I wasn't able to go last Thursday because I sat in the ER with Selena from noon until 6, so no yoga for me.

Saturday, I did a yoga dvd with John Friend. He loves backbends, so I did child poses, 'cause I can't do backbends, they kill me.  Remember, yoga = no pain!

I'm back tonight, and the weather is nasty.  I'm gonna bet the class will have something to do with the weather.  Who's betting with me?  Grin.

Namaste!

Yoga - good or bad

I'm forever stunned by people and their ability to quickly judge different things.  I just finished reading an article that said yoga is bad for you, then behind it a blogger told how she was pulled out of depression thanks to yoga.

Ok, so here's my philosophy, for all it's worth, on the good and bad of yoga, and mind you I'm no instructor (although I've thought about it, grin).

1. If it hurts STOP. Yoga isn't supposed to hurt, it's suppose to make you feel good.  Everyone has a pain threshold, learn it, respect it.

2. If you have old injuries, DO NOT go into yoga and aggravate it.  Again, your pain threshold!

3. If you have a really good yoga instructor, he/she will know how to modify around your injury to help you HEAL.

4. If you are new to yoga and you have health, structural issues, go see your doctor.  Find out what he/she recommends you NOT do in yoga.  Then pair and share with your instructor, so you don't injure or re-injure yourself.

5. Why do people always blame their pain on yoga, running, cycling, etc?

Walking to your office in a parking lot has dangers, someone racing to a parking spot could not see you and plow you over, so there...no yoga, running, cycling did it to you.

Geez, as Thumper said on Bambi "If you can't say nothing nice, don't say nothing at all."

Talking down about something that may help someone isn't fair to that person who's looking for their 'saving grace'.

I, for one, just can't stand on my head, it hurts my neck, so I don't do it.  I have a bad back, so I don't do backbends, not safe for me, but I don't stop doing yoga because I can't do those two poses.  (I'm sure there are more poses, but I stay in the beginners classes, so I don't hurt myself.)  I have no desire to get into a pretzel, I do yoga 2 to 3 days a week, my body isn't flexible enough for a pretzel.

I don't push, looking for my pain threshold, because at that point I've gone too far for me.  I push until it feels good, until I feel good, and then I relish in that goodness.  My body is too beat up to push it, so I use my guide (my instructor) and move into a pose, breath, and enjoy.  Life's to short to push, for me anyway.

So for those of you looking at yoga as a healing tool - GO FOR IT!  Find a good instructor, and you'll know when you find him/her, because they won't push, they'll guide.

Namaste!

Fear...

Last night, yoga was all about 'befriending our fear'.  Not just the fear of doing yoga poses, although that was what we were there for, but about confronting the fear we face outside the yoga studio.

As Tammy began to read before our session, again I felt like she had managed to get into my head WAY before yoga class (and that scares me, and should scare her, laugh).  At 9AM yesterday morning, I found out I had to have surgery on my neck, an anterior cervical discectomy and fusion, to be exact. The doc sent me home to do my homework, watch a video, read about it, do my research and come back if/when I was ready to do the procedure.  To say I was scared would be an understatement, I was truly paralyzed with fear.  The kind of fear I haven't felt in a very long time.  As the day wore on, I slowly made myself nauseous thinking about it, after having done my homework.

Again, it turned into one of those days, I couldn't wait for yoga class.  I couldn't wait for Tammy to close the studio door, lock it, and keep the world out.  And I'll be dang if she didn't just bring the fear I'd been facing all day right on to my mat. Wait! What?  She couldn't do that, how did she know?!  How did she know I was facing a giant?  Again, for the second class in a row, she had managed to find the root of my issue.  Now mind you, I'm not the only one in this class!  I'm sure others have their own gaints they are facing, but when it follows you into the yoga studio and your instructor sets it down on your mat in front of you and says 'face your fear', learn to 'befriend your fear', one starts to wonder just where she's plugged into....

The class was challenging for me, as always - I suppose the day it stops being challenging, is the day I stop doing yoga, and I had to push myself through, which I did, facing my fears the whole way.

Then just when I thought it couldn't get anymore challenging, Tammy says everyone grab a partner and we are going to do assisted half-moon pose.  Dear Lord, please give me a break, was what I was thinking, laugh.  Tammy took me under her wings, as she so often does (thank you Tammy, I love you!) and she had me come to the front where everyone could see me (WHAT?!!!!) and she guided us all through it.  Now I'm sure my half-moon pose beginning wasn't pretty, AT ALL, but I did it and it felt good to stand there knowing I'd done it, with help, but I'd done it!  I was so excited!!!!!  Now you have to remember, since my wreck in August, I've been banned from everything for the most part, so my core strength, hahaha, what is that?, doesn't exist anymore, so 'raising my leg up while I was bent over' wasn't easy and I was just able to get the toes up and Tammy helped the rest of the way.

This was my first time to ever be the person everyone was watching do it, right or wrong, and while I was afraid to be the one everyone was looking at, it didn't kill me, I didn't embarrass myself too bad, nor did I hurt myself or Tammy, so next time, I'll be able to do it without 'fear'. (I can check that one off my list, grin.)

Then she had us do up assisted handstands against the wall.  Now my doc said no "headstands" and after about 30 seconds I decided a handstand was not a headstand and I gave it a try.  Tammy was needed around the room, so Amy helped me.  I got up the first time, but my wrist are so bad that I held it long enough to say "oh blank, I'm doing it" and down my feet came.  I did try a second time, but the wrist weren't having it, so after getting half way up, I had to come out of it.  Again, for the second time last night, I'd done something I was afraid of, and I didn't kill over, or hurt Amy (thank you Amy!), or 'hurt' myself, although the wrist were killing me.

My yoga studio, yes I consider it mine in that it feels like my safe haven, had yet again watched me do three things I would've never done on my own; a half-moon pose, a handstand and allowing someone to assist me into those poses (trusting they'd have my back). For those of you who know me, know trust is a HUGE issue for me in general!

My yoga lesson on the mat, wasn't just physical, yet again, it was emotional, spiritual, and mental.  Through facing my fear I find "faith, courage and pose".

Thank you Tammy for a yoga session well taught....

Namaste!

 

First yoga class of 2012...

Yesterday after work, I made my way to The Yoga Room for my first class of 2012.  I was super excited even though I had a bad headache and my body wasn't feeling good.  My wrist were especially bothering me as I had kept Lily (my 8 month old niece) for a few hours Monday and she loves to be held, thrown around, and loves the outside, especially feeding the chickens.  Now close your eyes and imagine holding an 8 month old on one hip and a pail of feed in the other hand and now try feeding the chickens, smile, hard to do, but I manage because she loves to 'help'.

Sorry, back to yoga. As we began our practice, Tammy, our instructor, read a piece from the Daily Om, "Let yourself be carried".  It so applies to my life and the way I fight against it, to no avail really.  I was so inspired by the piece that I went home and purchased the book on my Kindle and found the piece and read and re-read it.  Smiling and shaking my head all the while.

The practice was intense, as it always seems to be for me, and as we were almost finished my wrist decided they could do no more.  I was in extreme pain, and all the down-dogs had my head throbbing, but I pushed through, waiting patiently, or not so patiently, for savasana. For those who've read other post by me, you are aware that savasana and I do not jive, I can't stand the stillness and the silence, but for once, I was looking forward to it.  I had pushed my body as far as it could go, and I needed the stillness, the silence; although, I will confess, I wasn't still, I always find something on my body to move ever so slightly, laugh.

After class, I felt good, head was still hurting, but not throbbing, and my wrist had eased off a bit.

This morning, as I 'rolled' out of bed, every fiber in my body was screaming.  I'm not sure if it was the fibro or the butt kicking from Tammy, smile.  Either way, I'm sore, but sore is good, pain isn't, so I'm going with the butt kicking from Tammy, which by the way I'd rather deal with than deal with the fibro.

We shall see what Thursday brings....

Namaste!